Not Nice

Despite what that voice of fear and doubt says, more is possible for you

I can choose to say yes, and I can choose to say no. I can hold back and keep quiet, or I can ask a tough question that challenges someone. If someone close to me is doing something that annoys me, I can bring it up and talk about it. When I really want something and the first response I get is a no, I ask questions and see if the other person is open to changing their mind. I’m completely free to choose exactly how I want to be in this moment, based on what feels right to me. I am the decider. I am the creator of my life.

The opposite of nice is not to be a jerk, or an asshole. It’s not insulting others, saying bigoted or highly antagonizing things, bullying, or attacking people’s characters. It’s not telling others to “shut up,” intimidating them, or pushing your little old grandma over in the kitchen.
The opposite of nice is being real. It’s being direct, honest, and truthful. It’s saying what you really think, expressing how you really feel, and sharing what’s true for you in that moment. This authenticity allows others to see and know the real you, which allows you to really feel love and connection.

At its core, being nice is about being liked by others by making everything smooth. No waves, no friction. It’s based on this (woefully inaccurate) theory: If I please others, give them everything they want, keep a low profile, and don’t ruffle feathers or create any discomfort, then others will like me, love me, and shower me with approval and anything else I want (promotions, sales, friendships, dates, sex, attention).
This theory is bunk. It’s an inaccurate map of human relationships. And like any inaccurate map, if you follow it, you will not get where you want to go. You will be lost.

Perhaps you’d greet everyone with a smile, or try to be warm and enthusiastic. Maybe you’d appear to be interested in what people were saying, grin, and nod a lot. Maybe you’d laugh at the jokes and remarks people made, even if you didn’t get them.
You might also avoid certain things. Perhaps you’d avoid interrupting, or speaking up before someone asked you a question. Maybe you’d restrain yourself and not make big gestures, speak up fully, or laugh loudly. If you were heeding my request, you most certainly would not bring up controversial topics, ask probing questions, or challenge others.
You’d be, you know, nice.

Being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes out of a fear of displeasing others and receiving their disapproval. It’s driven by fear, not virtue. In fact, I discovered that being nice can make us secretly less loving and more burnt out over time as we stray further and further from our authentic selves.

I saw that clients who were trying the hardest to be nice people also felt the most anxious, guilty, and frustrated. They had difficulty standing up for themselves, felt obligated to please others, and worried about what people thought of them. They couldn’t directly ask for what they wanted, freely say “no” when it was the right thing to do, or openly disagree with others’ opinions, even though they had strong, well-developed beliefs. In short, they were trapped in a cage of niceness that prevented them from being their real selves.

Being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes out of a fear of displeasing others and receiving their disapproval.

enjoyed our conversations about da

They want that little sucker to do what they say, and to do it now, or else. Why?? Because I’m your parent, that’s why.